Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Good morning.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly