@dannyboy7813

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

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@ninatreemonkey

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@mrjohndarby

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

@AudreyPorne

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

@_Tempo11

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

@MartaEffing

Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?

@david8hughes

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

@WilliamRodgers

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

@CakeThrottle

My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say ‘It’s so cold out!’ and I say ‘It’s winter’ and then we silently hate each other.