The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say ‘It’s so cold out!’ and I say ‘It’s winter’ and then we silently hate each other.