@TheBeerGuy73

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

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@tsm560

Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool

@k_lli

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@KeetPotato

barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
[20mins later]
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question

@GrantTanaka

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

@tastefactory

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

@rn_murse

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

@snesfu

Girl, get dressed up real nice. I’m taking you to bee disease day.

@YasmeenMS

When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’