Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I’d love this…lol
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.