Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

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Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool


I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.


The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.


barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
[20mins later]
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question


creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same


The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.


My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.


Girl, get dressed up real nice. I’m taking you to bee disease day.


When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’