Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
stop
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!