Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
what kind of cook setting is this??
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
LOOOOOOL
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello