Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
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Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.