@NotUrGumar

Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad

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@mexinonblonde

“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”

-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.

@VinnyPisciotta1

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

@Dani_Feld

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

@famouscrab

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

@JohnLyonTweets

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really