“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”
-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.
Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really