There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.