@hyped_resonance

Whenever I feel like sad I just think of this interaction.

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@kolchak

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

@WeissBrandon

Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.

@chuuew

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

@Fred_Delicious

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

@RumAndReeses

My husband grew a beard and suddenly I’m having to karate chop every woman we pass.

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

@oigoabuya

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

@Jason_Horton

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

@tomrrllc

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.