Whenever I feel like sad I just think of this interaction.

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Karma: Do you believe in me?
World: No
Karma: How’s 2020 treating you?


My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?


any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them


Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.


GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”


I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.


Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.


*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.


[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once