Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name