Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
The fall of Netflix
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point