@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

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@Mistyears

aye brο whο tf created math and how we know he right????

@AngelaEhh

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

@RidiculousSheri

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@LittleMissLizz

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

@Caissie

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

@ihateitmunky

guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed

@MumInBits

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

@3sunzzz

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

@maurex23

“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.