Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

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aye brο whο tf created math and how we know he right????


Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!


*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.


Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.


guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed


Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.


It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.


“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.