Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

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I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.


At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.



If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.


[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?


NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.


The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.


My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.


Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.



Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine