@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

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@Midgetspar

I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.

@darkmatter_wimp

At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.

Win-win.

@howe007

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

@YSylon

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

@dave_cactus

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@Cheeseboy22

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

@UnFitz

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

@3sunzzz

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine