Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days