God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM