Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume