Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

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Every morning when the alarm goes off, I wake up & say “it’s time to chase my dreams!” & then I press the snooze button & go back to sleep.


*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*


if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off


UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes


My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.


*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”


[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap


Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen
Biden: I didn’t want Trump to feel-
Obama: Joe,
Biden: …lonely