Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 馃檹馃徏
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10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I鈥檒l help you. I鈥檒l be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that鈥檚 way too scary
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he鈥檇 made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn鈥檛 realise it鈥檚 Saturday morning
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.