Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.