@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

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@LuvPug

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

@pbear79

Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?

Me: You mean…other than wifi?

@thetits

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

@Smug_Lemur

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

@kimtopher22

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

@Cpin42

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

@therealeatwood

DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.

ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.

@kcmoore51

Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors

@SketchesbyBoze

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please