Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

You Might Also Like


I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’


Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?

Me: You mean…other than wifi?


GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
G:just kinda*shimmies*


Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.


I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.


When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.


DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.

ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.


Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors


reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please