A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock
My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.
Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.
Dads: what times your flight?
Dads: id get there at 8am
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.