@o__0Dev

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

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@qwertying

A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..

@TheRealPalMal

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

@Lxnndo

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

@GoldenSpirals

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

@Lexactly

The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock

@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.

@honzogonzo

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

@HousewifePlus

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.