I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree
Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear
my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body
wife: what were his last words
cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot
wife: but how did he say it exactly
cop: tell [borat voice] my w-
wife: it’s him