@o__0Dev

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

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@WilliamRodgers

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

@daemonic3

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

@Ygrene

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

@good_one_rick

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

@YES_IM_RUDE

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

@D_empiricist

If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree

@ImaFlyontheWall

Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear

@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

@existential_d

cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him