the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
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The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Always
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit