Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
spot the difference
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Support your local cemetery
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”