@Bob_Janke

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

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@weismanjake

One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

@obviousplant_

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

@DickScurvy

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

@generativist

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

@PajamaStew

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

@Zombie_Kit

Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.

@Swishergirl24

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.