Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car