Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*pronounces UPS like yoops