Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Got him!
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long