Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card