Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
liiiiiiiiike
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.