Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.


Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.


I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.


Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS


Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.


Me: When I was a kid we had to wait a week to watch the next episode of our favorite show.

Kid: Is that because the Internet was too slow?


Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.


I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.