Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
marvel comics have peaked
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*