@SteveMartinToGo

Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”

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@lawyerthoughts

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

@Darlainky

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

@AliceAvizandum

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

@meghaffer

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@NicSampson

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”