Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”

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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!


Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.


Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.


Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop


I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.


My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.


“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”


“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”