When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Do not steal food from the science building!
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
tis the season