@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

You Might Also Like

@InternetHippo

Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation

Person in front of me at Chipotle: I’m ordering for 5 people

Me: I will kill you

@rolldiggity

1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.
3. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!”

@Parkerlawyer

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

@CornOnTheGoblin

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

@TuffyNyC

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

@jwoodham

If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.

@mydanimarie

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

@adamgreattweet

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

@TheBoydP

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.