Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

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Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation

Person in front of me at Chipotle: I’m ordering for 5 people

Me: I will kill you


1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.


You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.


College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go


she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]


It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.


If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.


DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time


Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.