Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Hey I worked for it too!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?