Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call