Text from two weeks ago:
Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?
So last night, I unwrapped:
Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn’t go and see it again.
And now I’m thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.