Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.

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Text from two weeks ago:

Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Umm…

So last night, I unwrapped:


Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.


(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*


I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.


After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn’t go and see it again.

And now I’m thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman.


Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”


It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.


[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.