How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me