i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight
Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁
You Might Also Like
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the
me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah