@krustythe_klown

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

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@3KidsNoJoke

Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!

Joe: WHEEEE!

#bidenmeme #Election2016

@JessCarpWrites

I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.

@Smooheed

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

@rachellinfox

Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.

My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.

Solidifying my black sheep status

@HenpeckedHal

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

@yerpalmildsauce

Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™

@all_about_today

What I’ve learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.