Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?