Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Very good! 👍😂
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
work smarter, not harder
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.