Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
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They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach