Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
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If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.