Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
You Might Also Like
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?