@Book_Krazy

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

- @Book_Krazy

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@ibid78

I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT’S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT’S JUST A FEATHER.”

@thenatewolf

*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
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@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

@SergioValenCo

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

@Goddamnit_Jason

Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
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@thedad

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
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@philandher96

“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”

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@PaperWash

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”