@Squeeb_Slayer

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”

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@reinert03

Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.

@lmegordon

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

@junejuly12

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

@GrantTanaka

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!

ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*

3YO: I want a snack.