if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
💯😂