toddler: Lets go get a cake
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”
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The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
9 year old daughter: Are you sure?
Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.