Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.
Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”
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2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
we all know this pain all too well
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god
3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!
ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*
3YO: I want a snack.
I need better friends