Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
the three genders
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please