Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
“Good luck with your little skits!”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.