Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then


My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.


Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.


I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.


“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.


MOM: sleep tight, don‚Äôt let the bedbugs bite ūüôā
KID: ok


BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly


Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.


Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.