@thepaulahunt

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

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@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@SCbchbum

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

@Sassafrantz

If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.

@RandomlyMJ

I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.

@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@SamGrittner

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

@jergarl

In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”