Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.