Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
When the stylist spins you back around
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
sir, my pâté if you please
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.