Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it


My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.


I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.


If you go to the zoo and he doesn’t help you steal a monkey, he’s not that into you.


I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.


“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag


This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.


In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”