One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
WHAT ARE WE?
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
No, then Twitter
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow