Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.