Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Oh no
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.