Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board