whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.