Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
You Might Also Like
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
What my back needs
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I said we supposed to be saving our money.