Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Ha
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.