Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.


Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago


opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are


I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.


“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane


LOL there’s like 20 guys w/ “Female Body Inspector” windbreakers that’s hilarious they’re seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO


Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.


Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it


i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later


God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan