I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
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Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I stopped fighting my inner demons; We’re totes BFFs now.
“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane
LOL there’s like 20 guys w/ “Female Body Inspector” windbreakers that’s hilarious they’re seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.
Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan