Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.