[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Who’s your best friend?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Lol
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke