Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
What personal space?
My dog
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them