Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Worst Native American name ever.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious